A mix of opinion, fact, jokes, fears, reality and the good moments
When I started university I was still a guy. Sure, I had (very) long hair and was openly derisive of masculinity but I was still a guy called (this hasn’t ever been my real name by the way) Marcus Dennis. I was so much of a guy that my nickname (never used to my face) was “the scary weird bi guy”. It wasn’t, and still isn’t, a gay friendly place - probably something to do with 90% of the students being male and it being in a small town in the midlands which at the time didn’t even have a gay bar.
Early life
I was born and raised in Londonderry (or Derry - depending on what version of Jesus you believe in) which as I understand it is either the top or one of the top LGBT assault cities in the whole of the UK. The sort of place where they had to build the cities gay bar opposite a fortress like police station and still occasionally have an armed officer standing outside in case of trouble. So as you can imagine being a transsexual here isn’t good. The most disturbing bit of ‘fun’ I had at home since I transitioned was a lovely two hours in subzero temperatures one night over the Christmas holidays when I had to wait for a taxi with a drunken lecherous ex member of the IRA who’d wonder loudly if I was a man or woman and attempt to seduce me. Even that can get repetitive after two hours. To make matters worse I had lost a friend that night. I have lost three or four friends in total over my transition, but only one of them was a good friend - at lest from my point of view.
I worked out that something was terribly wrong with me very early on, a few minutes later I worked out (somehow) that mentioning this thing would get me in serious trouble. When I was in P6 my teacher for some reason did a short talk about transsexuals and described the process of transition and I knew what people like me were called (you might think that age 10 was pretty early to know who and what I was but it still took me 11 years to come out).
I was terrified to come out because like all transsexual people my age I was terrified and sure my parents would take it very badly and skin me alive (maybe that last ones just me), but against all logic they were ok with it. My mum told me that she wished I hadn’t been so terrified to tell them because it would have saved me from years of pain. Dad was a little more guarded than her. I don’t know exactly when he accepted it but he doesn’t talk about his feelings (at least not to me) but mum said she realised how serious I was when I went for electrolysis for the first time, came back and wouldnt shut up about how painful it was - using big descriptive words like ‘soldering iron’ - and then immediately booked another appointment. Spending over a grand on pain tends to make people think you’re serious about something. Of course the younger you transition the less facial hair you’ll have and the easier it’ll be to shift (Facial hair slowly turns into stone as it ages, its called the ‘Mother Shiptons Cave Effect’).
Though they’re good about me being transsexual they are both homophobic above and beyond the call of religion, which will make me coming out as a lesbian very fun.
Coming out
I came out to one or two people before I went to university and swore them to secrecy but aged 21 and nearing the end of my first year at uni - a year in which my ‘raw masculine energy’ terrified people (must be something to do with height, beard, long hair and scowl- I wonder why I scowled?) - I snapped and rang home. I was deeply suave and subtle in my coming out technique. I started the conversation with “mum what’s the worst thing I could do and not get disowned?” It got even better from that point. After a basic talk on the phone I sent a long and meandering (not unlike this article) email home explaining everything. The news had just about sunk in by the time I got home 6 weeks later (I had come out just a week after returning to uni after Easter).
I tried to come out and warn people about what I was going to do over the summer but the few I started off telling didn’t listen and decided I was an attention seeker. So I gave up. So of course three or four months later when I reappeared having started hormones, changed my name and gone full time it was a bit of a talking point in the class - though never to my face for some reason. One person told me that she’d overheard a guy exclaim “That guy used to be a guy! Now he’s a girl! What the hell!?”
Post-transition and passing
I spent much of the year post-transition receiving crap from people inside and outside university and spending much of the year depressed. I was initially elated after transition but soon the daily grind of abuse wore me down. However in recent months (around the time I hit a year full time) I began getting gendered more and more as female, and spending a little less time in a strange no-(wo)mans land. A no-(wo)mans of weirdness where some people don’t read you as trans (and assume you’re a born girl) and others don’t read you as trans (and assume you’re a born guy) and of course those who read you as trans or a ‘genderfucker’ of some kind. In this no-mans land its very difficult to know if your passing but you can make some educated guesses, such as come out and see their reaction (I don’t suggest that, however), or making a comment about being afraid your pregnant (if they know your transsexual just pass it off as a joke). How passable am I? I’d say not very but sometimes I get strong evidence from people outside, like being introduced to a friend of a friend and chatting to him for hours. The conversation went onto sex and since he assumed he were both lesbians he went into very basic details about penises and what they’re like before telling us all about what sex is like for someone with one. Its fun to have a conversation about sex with a man who thinks you have a vagina. But other times I get stared at, called sir and even insulted and worse (yes worse). So. How passable am I? Only a stranger knows the answer.
When I’m asked if I was born a man I usually say (if I’m confident at the time) “no, I was born a baby. A baby with a penis who grew up into physically a boy who became a woman”. I’d say I wasn’t a ‘man’ per se, but I suppose with different definitions of man it could easily be argued that I was. Even if I was a man it wasn’t for long.
Transphobia
Deeply wrong and troubling. Let me make no bones about this, we are not popular. Most people won’t insult you, threaten you or chase you, but they will stare and wonder who and what you are. Their lack of subtlety is amazing most of the time. A non-passing transsexual gets the sort of attention that someone gay would get if they wore a bright pink t-shirt saying “Hi! I like to suck cock!” and acted really flaming. To make things worse we are disliked by straight people, people of all races, all religions and even a lot of LGB people). We’re probably the least understood, and least liked harmless minority that it’s not illegal to be in this country.
Hair Removal
Electrolysis is not fun. Laser is a little less not fun. Its very difficult to transition and continue facial hair removal, so I tried to get rid of as much as possible between coming out and going full time (about 5 months). I managed to have 22 hours of electrolysis while over the same time collecting enough of a wardrobe to go to uni, getting on hormones, changing my legal details and answering the same series of questions from my friends and complete strangers (people love to ask unsubtle question of the kind that they’d never think of asking most people). I’ve currently had 26 hours of electrolysis and about 8 sessions of laser and its not gone yet. Its probably the most niggling and annoying little bit of transition.
Sexuality
When I was a guy I was bi. Very bi. Very very bi. And I didn’t hide it. I was very open and in your face about it. If id been more political I’m sure I would have been a bi activist. Talk about embarrassing when the hormones remove my attraction for men. Traditionally mtf’s get more into men as they take more hormones but of course I had to buck the trend. I almost wish I was still bi but it is fun to take part in wanton acts of lesbianism that fill the darkest erotic dreams of the straight guys I grew up with, but who aren’t nice about me being trans. People still make huge assumptions about your sexuality. Once I was accused of being a straight male cross-dresser and a gay male drag queen within a few hours of each other, and of course if people read you as transsexual they assume you are into men.
Trans community
One thing you notice when you’re in the online trans community is that everyone knows everyone. Seriously we’re like a village on a national scale. I would wager my soon to be gone testicles on the fact that I’m only one or two people away from any other out online transsexual in the UK. Like every community there is good and there is bad in the trans community. If you meet the right people you can get advice, support and help beyond belief and if you keep searching you will find them. The ‘them’ being people who know much more than I do.
Good luck.
Xaria